Understanding Toxicity in Relationships
Toxicity in relationships is often hard to spot because it hides behind values we hold close—things like vulnerability, independence, and rationality. It’s not always as obvious as manipulation or abuse. Instead, toxic behaviors can be subtle, often unintentional, and come from personal struggles like trauma, mental health issues, or neurodivergence. Over time, these things can chip away at your emotional well-being without you even realizing it.
In my own experience, I’ve learned that just because a relationship has toxic dynamics, it doesn’t mean it’s always harmful or lacking in love. Sometimes, both things coexist. What really matters is understanding the difference between unintentional hurt and deliberate harm, and figuring out how to heal and grow from there.
Here’s what I’ve noticed about how these toxic dynamics show up, why they’re hard to recognize, and how to deal with them in a compassionate way.
1. Vulnerability as a Weapon
We often think of vulnerability as the key to building trust and emotional intimacy. And it is, but I’ve also been in situations where vulnerability was used in a way that shifted all the emotional burden onto me. For example, in one relationship, my partner would share their struggles, not to build trust, but to make me feel responsible for how they felt. Over time, I ended up neglecting my own needs because I was so focused on managing their emotions.
The thing is, this wasn’t always on purpose. My partner was just struggling to cope with their own feelings, so they leaned on me. But when vulnerability only flows one way, it can become really draining. In a healthy relationship, both people should feel like they can express their needs without one person being the emotional caretaker all the time.
2. Independence as Emotional Neglect
We’re often told that independence in a relationship is a good thing, a sign of maturity. And it can be, but sometimes it crosses into emotional neglect. I’ve been in relationships where my partner’s need for space felt more like an excuse to pull away emotionally, and it left me questioning whether my needs were too much.
I’ve also been on the other side. I’ve pulled away from partners when I felt overwhelmed, not because I didn’t care, but because I needed time to process my emotions. For people dealing with trauma or neurodivergence, needing space isn’t about rejection, it’s about survival. But when independence leaves one person feeling neglected, it’s a problem. The key is to balance personal space with emotional support, so both people feel valued.
3. Social Media: The Curation of a Double Life
Social media has a way of complicating relationships by showing only the best moments. I’ve been in relationships where we looked great online—happy photos, sweet captions—but behind the scenes, things were falling apart. Friends and family saw this perfect relationship, but the emotional disconnect kept growing.
It’s easy to get caught up in that curated image and ignore what’s really happening. I’ve done it myself, holding onto the idea of the relationship I wanted, instead of facing the reality. The truth is, when the online version of your relationship starts to feel like a performance, it only deepens the emotional distance. Being honest with yourself—and your partner—about what’s really going on is the first step toward clarity.
4. Rationality as Emotional Deflection
Rationality can be a good thing in relationships, especially when you’re trying to resolve conflicts. But I’ve learned that it can also be used to shut down emotions. In one relationship, whenever I expressed frustration or hurt, my partner would respond with logic, explaining why my feelings didn’t make sense. It left me feeling like my emotions were irrational or wrong.
Over time, I started to minimize my own feelings, treating them like problems that needed fixing instead of valid emotions. That kind of emotional invalidation takes away the depth from a relationship, turning it into something cold and detached. Healing from this means recognizing that emotions aren’t problems—they’re signals that need to be acknowledged and understood.
5. Self-Gaslighting: Doubting Your Own Reality
One of the hardest dynamics I’ve experienced is self-gaslighting. When your feelings are constantly downplayed or dismissed, you start to doubt your own reality. I’ve been in relationships where my emotions were invalidated to the point that I began questioning if I was overreacting or being unreasonable.
This doesn’t always start with the relationship either. I carried a lot of self-doubt from past experiences, so when my partner minimized my feelings, it reinforced those insecurities. Rebuilding trust in myself and my emotions was a long process, and it involved standing firm in my truth, even when others tried to convince me otherwise.
6. The Feeling of Never Being Enough
In several relationships, I’ve felt like no matter what I did, I was never enough—whether emotionally, intellectually, or sexually. Passive comments or comparisons made me feel like I was always falling short, no matter how much I tried. It created a cycle where I kept seeking validation but never really got it.
I’ve since realized that a lot of these feelings came from my own insecurities. I was already feeling inadequate, so even neutral comments felt like criticism. Part of the healing process has been separating my partner’s behavior from my self-worth. While it’s important to feel valued in a relationship, I’ve learned that self-worth needs to come from within, not just from external validation.
Conclusion: Understanding the Nuances of Toxicity
The key to navigating these dynamics is paying attention to how the relationship makes you feel.
Are your emotional needs being met?
Are your feelings being validated, or are they constantly dismissed?
Toxicity doesn’t always come from intentional harm. Often, it’s the result of unresolved personal struggles or emotional incompatibility. Understanding this allows for a more compassionate approach to dealing with these issues, without excusing hurtful behavior.
At the end of the day, relationships should help you grow, not make you feel small.