My Feminism Is Not Soft
It’s structural, intentional, and systemic.
At 2 a.m., a red badge in Slack doesn’t just feel like a notification—it feels like another reminder that our attention is always up for grabs. We experience this extraction in invisible ways: the unpaid care that sustains our homes, the “always-on” pings that fracture our focus, the buried checkbox that pretends to be genuine consent.
Over the past months, I’ve shared with you many of these extractions:
How default settings pull our attention to maximize engagement (Accept All / Reject All).
How emotional labor—checking in on a colleague after a tough week or smoothing over a family conflict—holds teams and households together even though it never appears on a spreadsheet (Perverse Stability vs. Authentic Peace, Flexible Reciprocity).
How “consent” often hides behind a small “Cancel” link, rendering it performative unless we intentionally keep it alive (Defining Consent).
How original contributions vanish until someone with authority repeats them, erasing attribution (Emergence Is an Excuse).
How institutional neglect stays invisible until a counter-archive of “vanished requests” forces accountability (Nobody Is Too Expensive).
And how these hidden costs accumulate most heavily for those already marginalized (Collapse Capitalism, Temporal Justice).
None of these are minor glitches. They are structural choices that shape how we live and work. Simply calling for “more inclusion” or “better empathy” doesn’t address the point where power actually hides.
That’s why my feminism isn’t meant to be “soft.” It’s designed to be practical, precise, and systemic.
Here’s what it looks like in practice:
Budgeting care as a resource. Treat emotional labor and meeting facilitation as line items—no more assuming someone will “just take care of it.” When we plan a release or a community meeting, we explicitly account for who will handle the follow-ups, who will check in with people, and how we’ll share that work. That level of clarity prevents burnout from slipping into “invisible labor.”
Reversing default notifications. Instead of auto-subscribe or “opt-in analytics,” we start with “mute by default,” requiring each individual to proactively choose which updates matter. This shift respects attention as finite and pushes platforms to justify why they need our focus in the first place.
Embedding genuine opt-outs. Every interface—whether a household chore chart or a project management tool—should include a visible, shame-free way to step back. No more “Cancel” links hidden behind three layers of UI. If opting out is easy and straightforward, consent stays real rather than a checkbox we click and forget.
Crediting original voices. Whenever an insight or suggestion is repeated, the originator gets named. This simple practice helps maintain a culture where ideas circulate without erasing their source, ensuring that expertise doesn’t depend solely on job title or seniority.
Turning private logs into public leverage. If a request—whether for maintenance, policy change, or emotional support—goes unanswered, it’s recorded in a shared space. That visibility makes it harder for organizations to pretend they didn’t know, shifting accountability from “I didn’t realize” to “Here’s what we missed.”
These strategies do more than “feel good.”
They change the architecture of how decisions are made and whose well-being counts.
They ask every stakeholder two fundamental questions:
Who benefits?
Who pays the hidden cost?
And instead of treating care and consent as side effects, they become baseline metrics—alongside performance targets, sales goals, or quarterly deliverables.
Feminism can’t just be a collection of affirmations or “best practices.” It needs to be the structural framework that undergirds our policies, our interfaces, our norms. When we make refusal legible, when we budget care, when we insist on ongoing consent, we chip away at the silent engines that have operated for too long without scrutiny.
At its core, this feminism is a refusal of extraction as default. It doesn’t demand perfection; it demands change in the infrastructure.
Each time we pause before clicking “Agree,” each time we say “no” without apology, each time we make unseen work visible—we strengthen the systems that protect mutual respect and shared responsibility.
Feminism is anything but soft.
It’s precisely the kind of structural insistence we need to insist that care, attention, and consent are never afterthoughts.
It’s the steel framework that holds up a different way of living and working, one where well-being matters as much as productivity—and where saying “no” can be as powerful as saying “yes.”
Further Reading
Accept All / Reject All – on Attention & Defaults
Perverse Stability vs. Authentic Peace and Flexible Reciprocity – on Emotional Labor
Defining Consent – on Ongoing Consent
Emergence Is an Excuse – on Voice & Credit
Nobody Is Too Expensive – on Counter-Archivals
Collapse Capitalism and Temporal Justice – on Intersectional Extraction