If You Knew Me Before
Before I understood myself, I believed competence was everything. Success meant discipline, efficiency, and endurance, and I expected everyone to live by those standards. If I could meet deadlines, anticipate problems, and push through exhaustion, then so could you. And if you couldn’t, I assumed you weren’t trying hard enough.
I measured effort in output, resilience in silence, worth in how well someone handled pressure. Struggle, to me, was a failure of discipline. If something was difficult, you planned better, worked harder, and found a way through.
What I didn’t realize was that I had been compensating all along.
I wasn’t naturally efficient—I built rigid systems because I needed them.
I wasn’t naturally quick—I pre-loaded responses to avoid being caught off guard.
I wasn’t immune to burnout—I ignored exhaustion until it became impossible to ignore.
I had mistaken survival for ability.
I had mistaken my own exhaustion for proof that I was doing something right.
What I Didn’t See
I thought struggle was something you overcame by force of will. If you hesitated, I assumed you weren’t prepared. If you missed a deadline, I assumed you hadn’t planned well enough. If you were overwhelmed, I assumed you weren’t managing yourself properly.
I didn’t stop to ask if I was struggling too.
I was. I just made sure no one saw it. I had built my life around hiding it.
What I once called discipline was often just overcompensation.
What I once called high standards were often just fear.
I prided myself on thinking quickly—responding in real time, structuring arguments on the spot, anticipating objections before they came. I assumed that if I could do that, others should be able to as well.
But my fluency wasn’t intelligence—it was a defense.
I trained myself to rehearse, filter, and refine my thoughts before speaking, not because I was naturally fast, but because I was afraid of being caught unprepared. I had mistaken performance for competence, mistaking the ease with which I communicated for the depth of what I understood.
And in doing so, I lost patience for people who needed more time.
I wasn’t smarter.
I had just trained myself to mask faster.
What I Expected From Others
I assumed struggle was a failure of discipline. If something mattered, I planned for it. If something was difficult, I structured around it. I expected others to do the same.
But my systems weren’t just effective—they were compensatory.
I wasn’t simply good at managing responsibilities; I was managing challenges others didn’t have. I never considered that I had set expectations based on what I needed to survive, not on what was reasonable for most people.
I wasn’t setting a measure of excellence.
I was filtering for people who had learned to tolerate the same unspoken pressures I had internalized.
And because I refused to acknowledge those pressures, I held others to an unfair standard.
I thought I was being fair.
I wasn’t.
If You Knew Me Before
If you knew me before, you knew someone who was always proving something.
I don’t do that anymore. I don’t need to.
And if I ever made you feel like you had to prove yourself to me—to work harder, think faster, or validate your worth—I’m sorry.
I see now that competence isn’t about relentless performance.
That effort has its limits.
That quick thinking isn’t the same as clear thinking.
That validation isn’t about insecurity—it’s about recognition.
If I ever made you feel unseen, dismissed, or measured against a standard you didn’t sign up for, I see it now. And I won’t make that mistake again.
I know now that I was never just proving myself.
I was protecting myself.
And I know now that you never should have had to prove anything to me.
I hope that knowing me now, you never feel the need to prove your worth to anyone.