How to Check in on Someone You Care About
Reframing Well-Being: The Questions We Should Be Asking
When we inquire about someone’s well-being, our questions often focus on markers like productivity, financial stability, and independence. But for many—especially disabled individuals, those living with chronic illness, or people on the margins of the capitalist system—these questions fail to reflect the complexity of lived experience.
To reframe well-being in a way that honors the full spectrum of human diversity, we must ask better questions—ones that move beyond shallow markers of success and instead focus on the individual’s sense of autonomy, fulfillment, and connection.
By shifting these questions, we can challenge the systemic frameworks that shape our understanding of what it means to thrive.
The Questions We’re Told to Ask
The typical questions we ask about well-being are steeped in ableist, capitalist, and individualistic ideals. They focus on external achievements and often imply that worth is tied to one’s capacity to produce or participate in the formal economy.
These questions are not neutral—they actively reinforce societal norms that exclude and marginalize people whose lives don’t fit the dominant narrative.
"How are you?"
This overused question expects a perfunctory answer like "Good" or "Fine," discouraging any deeper engagement with one’s emotional reality. It reflects our discomfort with vulnerability and complexity."How’s work/school?"
This inquiry assumes that participation in labor or education is a primary marker of success and worth, marginalizing those who cannot or choose not to engage in traditional work or academic environments."Are you keeping busy?"
In a society obsessed with productivity, this question implies that staying busy equates to well-being. It reflects capitalist values that prioritize doing over being, disregarding those who may need or value rest and reflection."How’s your health?"
Framed in medicalized terms, this question often equates health with the absence of illness or disability, reinforcing the idea that being well means being “able-bodied” or free from chronic illness."Do you have a lot of friends?"
This question assumes that a large social network is inherently better than a smaller, more intimate circle, failing to recognize the value of meaningful, deep relationships."Are you financially stable?"
Here, well-being is equated with financial success, reinforcing the idea that economic status is a primary indicator of a good life. This is especially problematic for those who are struggling economically or choosing to live outside traditional financial systems."Do you live independently?"
Independence is often held as the ultimate marker of success in capitalist societies, disregarding the importance of interdependence and communal living, especially for disabled or marginalized people."Are you staying active?"
This reflects the ableist assumption that physical activity is essential to well-being, ignoring the reality that many people are unable to engage in conventional forms of exercise due to disability or chronic illness."Have you achieved your goals?"
Tying success to goal-setting and external achievements ignores the lived realities of people whose goals may be more centered on survival, self-care, or incremental progress."Are you happy?"
This question is reductionist, expecting a binary yes-or-no answer to something as complex and fluid as emotional well-being. It reflects the cultural discomfort with discussing mental health in nuanced terms.
The Questions We Should Be Asking
If we want to genuinely understand someone’s well-being, we need to ask questions that honor their lived experiences and respect their autonomy. The following questions create space for more thoughtful, reflective conversations about well-being—conversations that prioritize connection, fulfillment, and personal context over societal expectations.
"What kind of support do you need right now?"
Rather than focusing on independence, this question centers the individual’s needs and acknowledges that well-being often relies on support networks, not just personal resilience."What brings you peace or fulfillment?"
Shifting the focus from external achievements to internal states, this question invites the individual to reflect on what makes them feel fulfilled—whether that’s creativity, rest, relationships, or something else entirely."How are you feeling in your body today?"
This question allows for a more nuanced discussion of physical and emotional well-being, rather than reducing health to the absence of illness or disability."How are your relationships feeling?"
By prioritizing the quality of relationships over their quantity, this question acknowledges that well-being is often rooted in how supported, connected, and nourished a person feels within their relationships."What’s bringing you joy, rest, or comfort these days?"
Instead of centering productivity, this question emphasizes the importance of rest, joy, and small comforts, recognizing that well-being can be found in quiet moments and everyday pleasures."How do you feel about how you’re spending your time?"
This shifts the focus from busyness to intentionality, encouraging the individual to reflect on whether their time is being spent in ways that align with their values and desires."What does thriving look like for you right now?"
A powerful way to invite the individual to define thriving on their own terms, free from societal expectations of success, this question opens the door to a conversation about personal goals and values."Are there any challenges or barriers you're facing that you’d like to talk about?"
This question acknowledges that well-being is often shaped by external barriers, rather than internal shortcomings, and creates space for discussing systemic or personal challenges without stigma."How is your mental or emotional energy these days?"
Recognizing that well-being isn’t just about external circumstances, this question centers mental and emotional states, allowing for a deeper conversation about quality of life."Is there anything that makes you feel more connected to yourself or others?"
This question recognizes that well-being is often tied to connection—whether that’s connection to oneself, to a community, or to the world around them.
Why These Questions Matter
The questions we ask about well-being reflect the values we hold as a society. By shifting from surface-level inquiries to more thoughtful, meaningful ones, we challenge ableist, capitalist, and individualistic notions of success and well-being.
Instead, we create space for conversations that honor autonomy, interdependence, and holistic well-being.
Autonomy:
These questions allow individuals to define their well-being on their own terms, respecting their agency and rejecting prescriptive definitions of success.Interdependence:
Thriving is often about relationships, community, and support—not individual achievement or self-reliance. These questions reflect the importance of interdependence and mutual aid.Holistic well-being:
By considering emotional, mental, and relational dimensions, these questions move beyond a narrow focus on physical health or financial stability, offering a more expansive view of what it means to thrive.
Reframing our questions about well-being opens the door to a more inclusive, compassionate understanding of what it means to live a fulfilling life. We can work toward a society where everyone’s experiences are validated, and well-being is understood as a deeply personal, multifaceted concept.
