Capital Fears Autistic Self-Worth
Neoliberalism's Impact on Autistic Existence and Identity
In a world shaped by neoliberal ideologies, the internal lives of autistic individuals—especially those undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life—are often marked by struggles that remain unseen and unacknowledged. Diagnosed with autism at 33, I have encountered firsthand the profound dissonance that arises when navigating a world that measures worth and success by standards that often feel alien to those who think, feel, and experience life differently.
The Myth of Meritocracy: An Uneven Playing Field
Neoliberalism’s pervasive myth of meritocracy—that success is solely a matter of individual effort and talent—inflicts deep wounds on those whose neurodivergence makes the "rules" of the game inaccessible. This ideology convinces many autistic individuals that their struggles stem from personal failings rather than systemic barriers.
Imagine growing up believing that if only you tried harder, you could excel like your peers. You push yourself relentlessly, but the results never match the effort. Without a diagnosis to explain the difference, you internalize this perceived failure as a fundamental flaw. This belief isn’t just a surface-level thought—it becomes an integral part of your self-concept, gnawing away at your self-esteem, causing you to question your value, and leaving a lingering sense of inadequacy that colors every aspect of life.
Masking: The High Cost of Conformity
For many autistic people, the pressure to conform to neurotypical norms manifests as masking—suppressing natural behaviors and mimicking those around them. This act isn’t just about fitting in; it’s about survival in a world that often doesn’t make space for difference.
For those undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life, masking becomes so ingrained that it’s almost indistinguishable from their identity. They become experts at hiding their true selves, constructing personas that allow them to navigate social and professional spaces. Yet, this constant performance is exhausting. Every interaction becomes a tightrope walk, balancing the fear of being "found out" with the deep exhaustion that comes from not being able to relax into authenticity.
Consider the toll this takes: you spend years perfecting this act, only to feel a crushing burnout that you can’t explain. You think, "Why can’t I just be like everyone else?" You push harder, desperate to maintain the facade, while inside, the sense of disconnection and loneliness grows. The world sees someone who is competent and well-adjusted, but inside, you feel like an imposter in your own life.
The Valuation of Human Worth
Neoliberalism places a premium on productivity, measuring human worth by economic contribution. For autistic individuals, whose strengths may not align with these narrow definitions, this creates an internal struggle that is both painful and relentless.
Imagine being in a job where your unique abilities are overlooked because they don’t fit the conventional mold. You try to mold yourself to fit these expectations, pouring your energy into tasks that drain you, while the talents that come naturally are undervalued or ignored. The message you receive is clear: your worth is conditional on your ability to produce in ways that are foreign to your natural inclinations.
This internalized belief can lead to a deep sense of worthlessness. You begin to question whether you have anything valuable to offer. This isn’t just about feeling unappreciated; it’s about doubting your right to exist as you are. The pressure to prove your worth according to neurotypical standards becomes an ever-present shadow, whispering that you’re not enough.
Mental Health: The Hidden Toll
The mental health toll of these internal rationalizations is profound. Living in a constant state of cognitive dissonance—where your internal reality clashes with external expectations—creates a breeding ground for chronic anxiety, depression, and stress.
When you finally receive a diagnosis, it’s both a revelation and a shock. The years of struggle are suddenly recontextualized, but this newfound understanding also brings a flood of emotions. You grieve the years lost to self-doubt and relentless striving. You feel relief in knowing you’re not alone, yet the weight of all the years spent living a lie feels almost unbearable.
The Undiagnosed and Late-Diagnosed: A Unique Journey
For those undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life, the impact of neoliberalism is subtle but pervasive. The internal rationalizations they’ve developed—self-blame, overcompensation, identity suppression—are not just coping mechanisms; they are survival strategies in a world that doesn’t make space for their way of being.
Imagine spending decades feeling out of step with the world, unable to understand why the rules don’t seem to apply to you. You question everything about yourself: your worth, your capabilities, your right to be who you are. You rationalize your struggles as personal failings, never considering that the deck was stacked against you from the start.
The journey of self-discovery, especially after a late diagnosis, is a process of unlearning these harmful narratives. It’s about slowly peeling away the layers of false identity, allowing your true self to emerge. But this is no easy task. It requires confronting years of internalized shame, re-evaluating your life through a new lens, and, perhaps most challenging of all, learning to forgive yourself for not knowing sooner.
Cognitive Dissonance and Rationalizations: An Empathetic Understanding
The mismatch between autistic neurology and neoliberal societal expectations creates a dissonance that’s often rationalized in ways that are deeply damaging:
Self-Blame: "If only I were better, smarter, more capable, I wouldn’t struggle so much." This thought becomes a mantra, repeated until it feels like truth.
Overcompensation: "I just need to work harder, push through, and I’ll finally be enough." This drive to overcompensate leads to burnout, but the cycle feels inescapable.
Identity Suppression: "It’s safer to be someone else." The fear of rejection leads to a lifetime of hiding, eroding any sense of authentic self.
Productivity Obsession: "My worth is tied to what I can produce." This obsession with output, driven by societal expectations, becomes a prison that confines rather than liberates.
Delayed Self-Discovery: "I should have known sooner." The guilt of not understanding your neurodivergence earlier can be overwhelming, leading to a sense of lost time and missed opportunities.
The Need for Empathy and Systemic Change
Creating empathy for these internal struggles requires more than understanding; it requires a fundamental shift in how we view worth, success, and identity. We need to move beyond meritocracy and productivity as measures of human value and recognize the inherent worth of every individual, regardless of their ability to conform to societal norms.
For therapists, educators, and anyone supporting autistic individuals, this means:
Validating Internal Struggles: Recognize and affirm the deep, often hidden, pain that comes from living with these internalized narratives.
Encouraging Authenticity: Support autistic individuals in their journey to reclaim their true selves, even if it means diverging from societal expectations.
Challenging Harmful Narratives: Actively work to dismantle the myths of meritocracy and productivity, helping individuals see their worth beyond these narrow definitions.
Advocating for Systemic Change: Use your platform to push for broader societal changes that accommodate neurodiversity and challenge the neoliberal structures that perpetuate these struggles.
A Call to Compassion
The internal rationalizations that autistic individuals develop in response to neoliberal expectations are not just personal struggles—they are reflections of a society that has failed to make space for difference. By creating empathy for these unseen battles and working to change the systems that perpetuate them, we can help build a world where every individual is valued for who they are, not just for what they can produce.
The journey toward self-acceptance and authenticity is a challenging one, especially for those who have spent years living under the weight of these harmful beliefs. But with understanding, support, and a commitment to change, we can help light the way forward—not just for autistic individuals, but for all of us.