Bouncering, Realness, Passing, and Liberation
The Trap of Authenticity, Passing, and Liberation from Internal Gatekeeping
In many aspects of life—whether in professional roles, cultural identity, or personal relationships—people experience the pressure to prove their belonging and authenticity. This pressure is often internalized, manifesting as a constant self-evaluation of whether we fit the expectations of a group or society. The desire to be seen as a “real” member of any identity, profession, or community leads to a mental policing of ourselves, which I call bouncering. Bouncering refers to the internal gatekeeper in your mind that acts like a club bouncer, questioning whether you are “real” enough to belong, whether you have passed society’s criteria, and whether you are legitimate in the eyes of others.
At its core, bouncering is about conforming to external standards—whether through credentials, appearance, or behavior—in order to fit into socially constructed categories. This essay builds on the idea of bouncering by combining earlier discussions on the insecurity surrounding credentialism, lived experience, and passing, showing how the mental bouncer operates across various contexts and how it reinforces societal power structures. Ultimately, I argue that in order to liberate ourselves from these pressures, we must reject the mental bouncer, embrace self-definition, and challenge the systems that demand authenticity.
Bouncering and the Pressure to Be “Real”
The notion of being a “real” anything—whether a “real doctor,” “real artist,” or “real man”—is deeply tied to societal expectations of authenticity. These expectations often come from power structures that define legitimacy based on specific markers, such as credentials, cultural practices, or adherence to gender norms. Bouncering is the internalization of these expectations, where we police ourselves to ensure we meet the external standards of belonging. The mental bouncer questions whether you are truly worthy of inclusion based on these arbitrary criteria.
Defining Bouncering Terms:
The Mental Bouncer: The internal gatekeeper that evaluates whether you meet society's standards of authenticity and belonging.
Bouncer Anxiety: The fear of being found out as not “real” enough, leading to self-doubt and insecurity.
Bouncer Pass: The momentary sense of relief when you meet an external standard that gives you temporary validation.
Bouncer Rejection: The internal feeling of inadequacy when you believe you don’t meet society’s expectations or feel like an imposter.
Bouncer Behavior: The specific actions taken to meet the mental bouncer’s standards, such as changing your appearance, language, or demeanor to fit in.
Bouncering operates in various contexts, and it is through these examples that we can understand how the pressure to be “real” becomes internalized and how passing plays a role in navigating this pressure.
The Relationship Between Passing and Bouncering
Passing is the act of presenting oneself in a way that aligns with societal norms or expectations, often to access privileges or avoid discrimination. Passing and bouncering are closely linked because both involve a performance of identity to meet external standards. When people pass as a member of a group—whether it’s along lines of race, gender, or class—they are performing for the mental bouncer in their head, seeking a bouncer pass to gain entry or approval.
Racial Passing and Bouncering:
In the context of race, passing has historically involved individuals of marginalized racial backgrounds—particularly Black individuals—presenting as white in order to access the privileges associated with whiteness. The mental bouncer in this case reflects society’s racial hierarchy, where whiteness is considered the standard of legitimacy and privilege. The anxiety of not being seen as “real” in the dominant racial group leads individuals to adopt bouncer behaviors that align with whiteness, such as altering physical appearance or behavior to meet societal standards.
Gender Passing and Bouncering:
For transgender individuals, passing often means performing masculinity or femininity in ways that conform to societal expectations of what it means to be a “real” man or woman. The mental bouncer reinforces the binary gender system, leading to bouncer anxiety for those who do not fit neatly into these categories. The pressure to pass as one’s identified gender, particularly in environments that may be hostile to gender nonconformity, creates a dynamic where passing becomes a survival mechanism, but also reinforces the very systems that demand conformity in the first place.
Professional and Class Passing:
In professional and socioeconomic contexts, passing can take the form of adopting the dress, language, or behaviors associated with a more privileged class. The mental bouncer evaluates whether you are a “real” professional based on markers like credentials or behavior, leading individuals to perform for acceptance. Bouncer behavior in these spaces might involve downplaying parts of one’s identity or exaggerating qualifications to gain a bouncer pass from those in positions of power.
How Bouncering Reinforces Power Structures
Bouncering, like passing, reinforces existing power structures by encouraging individuals to conform to external standards rather than challenge them. The mental bouncer enforces rules that are often arbitrary, rooted in societal hierarchies and expectations that serve to exclude rather than include.
Credentialism and Professional Bouncering:
In professional contexts, bouncering often takes the form of credentialism, where individuals are evaluated based on their degrees, certifications, and formal qualifications. The mental bouncer asks whether you are a “real” doctor, lawyer, or professional based on whether you have the right resume. Even when individuals meet these standards, bouncer anxiety persists, leading to constant self-doubt and the pursuit of more credentials to maintain legitimacy. This cycle benefits power structures by maintaining gatekeeping mechanisms that privilege those with access to elite education and exclude those from non-traditional backgrounds.
Cultural and Gender Bouncering:
Culturally, bouncering can serve as a tool of exclusion, where individuals are judged based on whether they adhere to specific customs, language, or traditions. The mental bouncer questions whether you are a “real” member of a cultural group if you don’t fit neatly into its defined norms. Similarly, gender bouncering upholds patriarchal power structures by reinforcing binary gender norms, leaving those who don’t conform feeling excluded or illegitimate.
By constantly policing ourselves based on these external markers of authenticity, we uphold the very systems of power that exclude us. Bouncering prevents us from embracing the fluidity of identity and instead traps us in a cycle of performance and self-policing.
Gently Correcting Yourself and Others in Bouncering Moments
Recognizing bouncering in action—whether in yourself or others—is the first step toward liberation. By offering gentle corrections, we can both relieve ourselves of the mental bouncer’s burden and help others see that authenticity isn’t tied to rigid social standards.
Correcting Yourself:
Reframe Self-Doubt: When you catch yourself questioning whether you’re "real" enough or deserving, try to reframe the doubt:
Original Thought: "I’m not good enough to be here; I don’t have the right credentials."
Alternative: "I belong here because I have value beyond credentials. My experiences and perspective are just as valid."
Interrupt the Bouncer: When you start policing your own behavior, interrupt the mental bouncer by reminding yourself that your identity is not defined by others’ expectations:
Original Thought: "I need to act more professional or they won’t take me seriously."
Alternative: "I’m already enough. How I carry myself is part of what I bring to the table."
Offering Alternatives to Others:
Validate Multiple Forms of Expertise: When you notice someone else engaging in bouncering, offer them an alternative by validating their value beyond conventional markers of success or belonging.
Original Statement: "I don’t think I’m a real expert because I didn’t go to the best school."
Response: "Your expertise doesn’t come only from a degree. Your experiences and insights are just as important."
Challenge the Gatekeeper Mentality: If someone is engaging in bouncer behavior by passing judgment on others or themselves, gently challenge the assumption that legitimacy depends on meeting a rigid standard:
Original Statement: "I don’t know if I belong in this cultural group because I didn’t grow up following all the traditions."
Response: "Belonging isn’t about checking off boxes. Identity is fluid, and being part of the group comes from who you are, not just the traditions you follow."
By offering gentle corrections, we can challenge the internal and external forces that perpetuate bouncering and create a more inclusive, self-affirming environment for ourselves and others.
Killing the Club Bouncer in Your Head: Liberation from Bouncering
To escape the trap of bouncering, we need to kill the club bouncer in our heads. This means rejecting the internalized gatekeeper that judges our worth based on external standards. By doing so, we can begin to define ourselves on our own terms, free from the constant need for external validation.
Steps to Kill the Club Bouncer:
Recognize Bouncer Behavior: Identify the ways you alter your behavior to meet the bouncer’s standards. Are you trying to pass as something you’re not to fit in? Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward dismantling them.
Challenge the Bouncer’s Standards: Ask yourself where these standards came from. Why do you feel the need to meet them? By questioning the legitimacy of these expectations, you weaken the power they hold over you.
Embrace Self-Definition: Rather than performing for the mental bouncer, embrace your own definitions of success, identity, and belonging. Let your sense of self be shaped by your own values, not by external validation. This involves trusting your experiences, strengths, and intuition rather than relying on arbitrary standards set by others. For example, instead of constantly seeking degrees or titles to validate your expertise, recognize that your lived experiences, insights, and unique contributions already make you credible and valuable.
Create Inclusive Spaces: Surround yourself with communities and environments where authenticity isn’t policed, and belonging is based on shared values, not rigid expectations. When you participate in or create spaces that prioritize openness, diversity, and acceptance, you weaken the power of the mental bouncer over time. These environments help you—and others—see that identity is multifaceted and dynamic, allowing people to express themselves freely without the fear of rejection. Inclusive spaces foster a sense of collective support, which helps dismantle the systems that uphold exclusionary standards of “realness.”
Building a New Vocabulary of Authenticity and Belonging
To help dismantle the mental bouncer and move away from the rigid definitions of authenticity, we need to cultivate a new vocabulary of belonging that is rooted in openness and self-acceptance. This vocabulary allows us to challenge bouncering, both in ourselves and in others, and creates a more flexible, expansive understanding of identity.
1. Belonging Without Approval:
Redefine belonging as something that does not require external approval. Instead of tying your sense of belonging to whether you meet someone else’s criteria, shift the focus to self-acceptance and shared values. For example:
Instead of: "I need them to accept me as part of the group."
Try: "I belong because I connect with the values and experiences that resonate with me, regardless of whether others see it."
2. Fluidity of Identity:
Embrace the idea that identity is fluid and evolving, not something that can be fixed by meeting a single standard. Your sense of who you are, whether in terms of profession, culture, or personal identity, will change over time, and that’s okay. When you accept that identities can shift and grow, you free yourself from the pressure to conform to a narrow idea of what’s “real”:
Instead of: "I’m not a real professional if I don’t follow this specific path."
Try: "My path is unique, and it’s valid. There’s no single way to be authentic."
3. Self-Validation:
Cultivate self-validation, where your sense of worth comes from within, rather than from external markers of success or legitimacy. This involves trusting your experiences and values, and not relying on others to affirm your identity or value:
Instead of: "I need this degree/achievement to prove I’m capable."
Try: "My knowledge and experience are already enough to make meaningful contributions."
4. Collective Acceptance:
Recognize that authenticity and legitimacy are collective, not individual, endeavors. Identity is shaped not just by internal feelings but by participation in shared experiences and communities. Belonging doesn’t require performing for approval; it involves participating in shared values and actions:
Instead of: "I need to prove myself to be part of this community."
Try: "By participating and contributing to this community, I am already a part of it."
Offering Others an Alternative to Bouncering
Just as we seek to dismantle the mental bouncer within ourselves, we can offer alternatives to others when we notice them engaging in bouncering behaviors. By gently correcting assumptions about what makes someone “real” or legitimate, we can foster a more inclusive mindset in the people around us.
1. Affirm Their Value Beyond External Standards:
When you notice someone doubting themselves because they don’t meet a specific external standard (e.g., lacking a credential or feeling inadequate in a cultural group), offer them an alternative by affirming the value of their experience or perspective:
Original Thought: "I don’t have the right degree, so I’m not as credible as the others."
Response: "Your experiences and insights bring something unique and important. A degree is just one way of knowing, but your lived experience adds real depth to the conversation."
2. Challenge the Idea of Rigid Identity Markers:
If someone is bouncering based on rigid identity markers (such as cultural norms or gender expectations), gently challenge the assumption that they need to conform to those markers to belong. Offer them a more expansive understanding of identity:
Original Thought: "I don’t speak the language fluently, so I’m not really part of my cultural group."
Response: "Cultural identity is about more than just language. Your connection to the culture through your experiences and values is just as meaningful."
3. Encourage Self-Acceptance:
Help others recognize that their self-worth doesn’t depend on meeting someone else’s criteria. Encourage them to trust their own journey and embrace their own definitions of success or belonging:
Original Thought: "I don’t feel like I fit in because I haven’t followed the traditional path."
Response: "Your path is valuable because it’s your own. Traditions are important, but they aren’t the only way to be true to yourself or your community."
Embracing Authenticity Without Gatekeepers
Bouncering is the internal policing of identity, shaped by societal expectations and power structures that determine who is “real” and who isn’t. It manifests through the need to pass, prove legitimacy, and conform to external standards. But by recognizing and rejecting the mental bouncer, we can free ourselves from the anxiety of constantly proving our worth. Killing the club bouncer in your head is an act of liberation—an embrace of self-definition and a rejection of the systems that demand we conform to narrow, exclusionary standards. By creating more inclusive, flexible ways of thinking about authenticity, and by offering alternatives to those around us, we can build spaces where identity is celebrated in all its complexity—free from rigid definitions, judgment, or performance.