20 Things You Can Say Back to Someone
or, How to get your ass beat. YMMV
Throughout life, we encounter comments and societal pressures that attempt to shape our choices, identity, and behavior. Often, these remarks stem from cultural norms, misunderstandings, or the need to impose societal expectations.
Whether related to career, relationships, appearance, or personal decisions, these comments can push us to compromise our authentic selves to meet the comfort or expectations of others.
I believe the key to navigating these moments is to maintain your autonomy while fostering mutual understanding and growth.
Navigating the kinds of comments that attempt to diminish or shape you can be challenging, especially when you want to assert your autonomy without entirely closing the door on the relationship—or the other person’s growth either.
My goal here is to draft responses that affirm your right to live authentically while inviting the other person to reflect on their own insecurities or assumptions without alienating them - think about the situations you can apply them to.
1. “You should really be more like your sibling/cousin.”
Response: “I appreciate that you see value in them, but I’m proud of my own path. I think we all have our strengths, and I’m focusing on mine.”
This response asserts your individuality while acknowledging their intention to praise. It redirects the conversation toward celebrating everyone’s unique contributions.
2. “Why can’t you just settle down and get married?”
Response: “Marriage isn’t my priority right now, but I respect that it’s important to you. I’m exploring other ways to build a fulfilling life.”
This validates their traditional values without compromising your own choices, leaving room for different ways of living to coexist.
3. “That’s not a real job.”
Response: “It might look different from what you’re used to, but it’s something I’m passionate about. I’m excited to see where it leads.”
Affirm your passion and commitment while recognizing their unfamiliarity with less traditional career paths.
4. “You’re being too sensitive.”
Response: “I experience emotions deeply, and I’ve learned that being in tune with my feelings helps me navigate life in a healthy way. I hope we can have space for both of our perspectives.”
This response acknowledges your sensitivity as a strength, while gently inviting them to consider the validity of different emotional responses.
5. “Are you really going to wear that?”
Response: “Yes, I feel great in this! I know our tastes are different, and that’s okay—we can both express ourselves in our own ways.”
You affirm your style choices while acknowledging that differences in taste are natural.
6. “You’re being so dramatic.”
Response: “This is how I’m feeling, and it’s important to me. I’d like for us to understand each other’s experiences without dismissing them.”
By calmly affirming the importance of your feelings, you encourage them to reflect on their dismissiveness without being confrontational.
7. “You won't make real money doing that.”
Response: “I see where you’re coming from, but success isn’t only about money for me. I’m finding meaning in this, and that’s what matters to me right now.”
This response acknowledges their concern while reaffirming that your definition of success goes beyond financial gain.
8. “That’s just how it is, deal with it like the rest of us.”
Response: “I understand that things have been this way for a long time, but I believe in working toward change where it’s needed. I hope we can find ways to improve things together.”
Acknowledge their resignation to the status quo while asserting your belief in progress, without dismissing their experience.
9. “You shouldn’t talk about mental health, it makes people uncomfortable.”
Response: “I know it can be a tough topic, but that’s why it’s important. Talking about it helps create more understanding, and I hope we can be part of making that conversation easier.”
This validates their discomfort while highlighting the importance of openness, making space for them to reconsider their stance.
10. “But what will people think?”
Response: “I know people have opinions, but I’ve realized I feel more at peace when I follow my own values. I’d love to hear what matters most to you, too.”
By affirming your decision to live authentically, you also invite them to reflect on their own values beyond external judgment.
11. “Don’t you want kids?”
Response: “Having kids isn’t something I’m planning for right now, but I respect that it’s meaningful to you. I’m focused on building my life in a different way.”
This response respects their values while maintaining your own autonomy in choosing a different life path.
12. “You’re just not trying hard enough.”
Response: “I’m putting in the effort that feels right for me, and I’m finding my own pace. I think we all have different ways of approaching things.”
Affirm your effort without getting defensive, while leaving room for them to acknowledge that different approaches can be valid.
13. “You should just get over it.”
Response: “Healing takes time, and I’m working through it in a way that feels right for me. I hope we can be patient with each other’s processes.”
By asserting the importance of your healing process, you also subtly remind them that everyone handles challenges differently.
14. “You don’t look like you belong here.”
Response: “I know I may stand out in some ways, but I belong anywhere I choose to be. Let’s both find ways to create more inclusive spaces.”
You stand firm in your right to exist in any space while inviting them to reconsider the idea of belonging.
15. “You need to lose weight.”
Response: “I’m comfortable with my body, and I’m focusing on what makes me feel healthy and happy. I hope we can all support each other’s well-being in ways that matter to us.”
You assert body autonomy while encouraging a broader, more supportive conversation about health.
16. “That’s not what people like you do.”
Response: “There’s no one way to be who I am. I’m excited to define my path in a way that’s true to me, and I hope you find fulfillment in yours too.”
Gently challenge stereotypes while reaffirming both your and their autonomy.
17. “You’re wasting your potential.”
Response: “I’m using my potential in ways that align with my passions. I think we all have different ways of contributing, and I’m happy with mine.”
This affirms that your potential doesn’t have to be used according to someone else’s expectations.
18. “You should be over that by now.”
Response: “We all process things at our own pace. I’m taking the time I need to heal, and I trust you’ll do the same for yourself.”
By affirming your process, you subtly remind them to respect their own journey as well.
19. “You’re too old for that.”
Response: “I don’t think age should limit us. We all grow in different ways, and I’m happy to keep pursuing what excites me.”
A gentle reminder that growth and pursuit of passion don’t have age limits.
20. “You’re too young to know what you want.”
Response: “I may be young, but I’m learning what feels right for me. I know you’ve had different experiences, and I hope we can learn from each other.”
This response acknowledges their experience without undermining your own sense of direction.
Creating Space for Mutual Growth
Responding to these comments in ways that honor both your autonomy and theirs allows for mutual growth. It creates an opportunity for understanding and connection rather than shutting down the conversation.
While asserting your autonomy is key, there is also an opportunity to build understanding. Harmful remarks often come from a place of misunderstanding or societal conditioning, and by addressing these comments in ways that gently challenge the assumptions behind them, we can foster mutual respect. This involves:
Acknowledging where the other person is coming from without compromising your boundaries.
Inviting dialogue, where both you and the other person can learn and grow.
Celebrating different paths and choices, rather than seeing differences as wrong or inferior.
By calmly asserting your values while leaving space for them to reflect on their own assumptions, you encourage a dialogue where both parties can learn from each other. This approach fosters a culture of respect and understanding, where autonomy and personal choices are affirmed rather than undermined.